“Leg” 3: Baltimore – A Big City

At precisely 9:34am (19 hours after departing from Ottawa, 11 hours after scheduled arrival) we arrive in Baltimore, home of the Orioles and Eagles [and patron of the Ottawa Lynx, a great place for Ottowanians to spend time]. We headed directly to Mikve, everybody took showers after long hours without one. Dovi Chein decided to behave like an Israeli and fulfill what Rabbi Klein said at a Farbrengen, that Israelis take showers with their underwear on (see HERE)...

We then headed to Daven Shacharis at the Lubavitch Yeshiva of Baltimore, where everybody Davenned, some had to be reminded that the Lech Lecha trip rules still applied and they still have to put on Rabbeinu Tam’s and say Tehillim. Since time was short, breakfast was eaten in the van, Cookies & Yogurt, en route to the Baltimore Aquarium. Our entry time was 12:00 and we arrived at 12:10 just in time...

Shacharis in the Baltimore Yeshiva

Enter the Aquarium: This is the Tourist attraction Rabbi Berger has recommended. A trip meant to remind the Bochurim of Ottawa that [opposed to common misconception] they are NOT animals although many similarities can be found between the animals on land and the animals in sea. The highlight of the Aquarium for Friday was a special exhibit starting at 12:00m which was completed after three years of preparation and was named “You don’t have to go to Australia, ‘cause we brought Australia to you!”, we will get back to that later.

In honor of this, all workers at the Aquarium, whether Mexicans or Africans all spoke in a Australian Accent (or so they thought) greeting everybody with “Hello Mates!” and sporting those weird Australian hats.

The tour started with a performance by a Native Australian, who used a hollowed-out trunk of a tree (or a bamboo) to play some tunes (sounding like Peewee singing in Choir practice last year). Schneur was excited the most and filmed quite a long clip of it (can be seen on the “Official” Lech Lecha II Video). We continued up passing by the theatre where the Australian film was being shown and went straight to the permanent exhibition, a four-floor exhibition spanning most of the sea creatures of the world which were willing to go into captivity.

Considering the fact that the Aquarium made a big hype about the Australian Exhibit, all visitors to the Aquarium started with that, and left the main exhibit quiet and empty, great atmosphere for the Bochurim who were free to compare and analyze all that moves.

Gone Fishing

On the bottom floor we saw a crippled turtle (reminding us of Meir Lieblich and his “(dis)abilities”) and some mini-whales swimming around showing their teeth to Rafi Morgenstien who was picking up some tactics for his future wars (see separate article), Pinchus Morozow and Dovi Chein snapping pictures.

The Turtle with (dis)ability

The Rafi Morgenstien Fish - Always Ready for War

We then continued up to the 2nd floor where we met a lot of Kosher Fish, and a few Non-Kosher fish too. Some Bochurim who live in developed countries were introduced to the concept of Fins & Scales and were shown live what the fins and scales symbolize. On this floor we met a fish which had a VERY big nose, and obviously reminded us of the one and only MEIR “SCHNAZZ” LIEBLICH... The reason why we got big noses is to stick them in the five books of Moses. On this floor too there was a very Chassidishe fish with a small beard who looked like Levi Vogel, just a few hairs less...

The Meir Lieblich Fish - The Big SCHNAZZ

The Chassidishe Fish with the beard

Up, Up and away Oh what a special day... we continued upwards to the 3rd floor of the permanent exhibit where we were introduced to some more fish who were interested in the company of the Bochurim. Starting with a sea creature called a Sea horse (in Yiddish “A Ferd”) was introduced to Yankee Kopfstien who found some similarities and common ground. Continuing to a big fish tank, Simcha Bloom started jumping with joy, calling everybody in hearing distance to come and see his “great” discovery. His discovery consisted of a extremely big and round fish which he claimed was similar to “Shoch”. Some authorities disagree.

Der Ferd - A Sea Horse

On the next floor up, yet some more fish, and a big exhibit of sea creatures which look like plants but really are living creatures which sit in one place and wait for the food to come, plain and simple laziness, reminding us of the great Goldfein Twins who practice laziness on a regular basis.

The Goldfine Creatures

The main part of the fourth floor (and by far, the most interesting part of the whole Aquarium) was a Tropical exhibit, a indoor room with the temperature of Venezuela and a bunch of animals running loose, we met some parrots who had a competition with Chaim Kaufmann who could make more noise, a Monkey which went into hiding after Yankee & Simcha spoke in unconventional accents. There were frogs who were jumping all around making noise, sounding like Peewee on a good day. In a cage there were some poisonous frogs which were like Peewee on a bad day. Some rattlesnakes and turtles added to the variety. A tropical exhibition couldn’t have ended better: A cage full of “exotic” cockroaches...

The Peewee poisonous frog

Exploring the Tropical Exhibitions

Two Love Birds at the Tropical Exhibit

Overtired at the Tropical Exhibition

The fourth floor ended with a ramp which led to the bottom floor, a ramp which went round and round until reaching the mini-whales again, this time from the rear. A bigger selection of whales were available and Rafi got some more lessons.

Next stop was the dolphin show, a lame and embarrassing “show” for the “National Aquarium”. A quick show with a few dolphins splashing some water and having swimming competitions with some girl who was training them.

The Dolphin "Show"

Considering the fact that we had two Australians, and we drove 19 hours to see the Australian Exhibition we decided to leave it to the end, when less people will be touring it. We started with the video depicting the various weird animals living in the Australian Outback and their adaptation to the extreme weather conditions which affect it. A swimming bat, a flying Penguin, and a walking whale are only some of the weird animals which G-d placed in that messed up continent called Australia. The place which was never meant for human inhabitance... The video lasted 8 minutes, enough time for Schneur & Sholom Ber to snooze a little before dealing with the Bochurim again.

The Great Australian Exhibit - as lame as its inhabitants

Anyways, we then continued to the actual Australian Exhibit where we saw some more fish, some snakes and a few crocodiles. The Australian Exhibit was over and with it our trip to the Aquarium. Some Bochurim decided to tour the US Navy boats which were stationed in the pier (Pier 5) right next to a nice white Hummer H-2 (Hello again, Yankee) We then headed back to Baltimore for Shabbos.

Buying a Boat from the US Navy

Shabbos in Baltimore: The community in Baltimore is a very special community, a community which almost every member will fit perfectly into our Yeshiva. Weird, Crazy & Slow. That’s why the Yeshiva picked Baltimore as a place to spend a Shabbos.

In honor of Yud-Tes Kislev which was around the corner, Rabbi Moshe Feller, Head Shliach of Minnesota was invited to Farbreng in Baltimore. Rabbi Feller, a great speaker with a lot of great stories managed to keep the people interested for hours and hours. Aside from Dovi Chein, Chaim Kaufmann & Pinchus Morozow, the rest of the Bochurim were uninterested in the Farbrengen and preferred to spend the night eating Nature’s Best vegetable soup and flirting with a 15-year old girl. We won’t mention any names.

Shacharis the next day went fine, with most of the guys outside again trying to hit on girls during Davenning and running away right afterwards to eat pretzels and water at Ari’s house, missing another smashing Farbrengen from Rabbi Feller.

Some Stories & Snippets from his Farbrengen will be available once Schneur is interviewed.

Motzoei Shabbos, a short while after Shabbos was over, Sholom Ber went around and picked everybody up for the next attraction. The ESPN Zone in Downtown Baltimore.

ESPN Live! A quick phone call to Rabbi Berger confirmed that each Bochur will get 10 dollars worth of play time in the ESPN Zone and then each one could sponsor himself. Sholom Ber bought four cards and split them up between the guys, each three guys received a card, and they all headed to play. In the meantime, Sholom Ber & Schneur walked around trying to make sense of what was going on around them, making sure everybody is having fun, and then proceeded to play some games of Air Hockey. To his utter dismay, Schneur lost every game to Sholom Ber (except one)... After realizing that his luck ain’t in the Air Hockey he proceeded to the Boxing machine where he won by an impressive amount of points, good hits, etc.

Mendy speeding in a 30 zone on his cool Harley

In the meantime, the Bochurim were running around having fun, racing cars and motorcycles, and spotting some religious boys and girls going on Shidduch dates in “The Zone”. Not long thereafter, all the money on the cards ran out and the Bochurim were bored, and started milling around the ticket booth hoping they will be lucky and they will get some extra credits. The boxing machine is situated closely to the cashiers, and a pumped up dude was busy punching the machine scoring beyond anybody else before him, with Schneur & Sholom Ber cheering him, he managed to get quite a lot of points (and lose his beer too...). The Bochurim joined along in watching when suddenly Dovi came up with a card which had some money on it and everybody used it.

At this point Schneur wanted to leave and decided to find out when the Kosher restaurants close so we could go and eat afterwards, so Ari called his sister, and she said that Kosher Delight is open ‘till 2am and Tov Pizza until 12am. Schneur therefore decided that we shall leave at 11:00pm to make it on time. The Bochurim agreed.

One of the games everybody wanted to do was the batting practice where a ball flies at you from the screen and you’ve got to bat it. Schneur started and got 3 out of 8. The lady then proceeded to let everybody else do it for free... Yankee & Simcha both got 4 hits each. Everybody else didn’t score.

In the meantime, Chaim Kaufmann was busy roaming around when suddenly someone came over to him and said: “You look bored take my unlimited 7-Hour card and enjoy it”. All Bochurim made good use of it playing until Schneur forced them to get into the van and go back to Baltimore to eat.

We reached the Tov Pizza / Kosher Delight area at 11:45pm to find out that Kosher Delight doesn’t open up at all on Motzoei Shabbos and Tov Pizza closes at 11:30. Basically we shall stay hungry, thanks to Ari’s sister... So Ari decided to play his cool and convinced the workers at Tov Pizza to stay extra. They complied and we entered and emptied out the store of all the food. Everybody was satisfied and happy, except for Yankee Kopfstien who was mad at Sholom Ber for a undisclosed reason. We even were introduced to Dovi Chein's special eating habits, peeling off the cheese and leaving the crust, a habit which caused him much stomach pains in the upcoming hours.

Fressing at Tov Pizza - Best Pizza in the Americas

Tempting Dovi with a juicy soft and crunchy slice of Pizza fresh from the oven...

A discussion between Sholom Ber & Schneur about the fact that “Tov Pizza” is the best Pizza on earth it was concluded that the reason why Snags love Baltimore so much is due to the fact that Baltimore has the best Kosher restaurants, and they, those Beheimos, fall for the Taavos Olam Hazeh.

After eating and Fressing, everybody went outside to be greeted by Sholom Ber who ordered them to clean out the van, otherwise he isn’t moving. He who finds Sholom Ber’s passport which was lost will also get a monetary bonus. The van was cleaned spotless by Chaim Kaufmann, Rafi Morgenstien and Dovi Chein, Everybody else Farbrenged with Schneur on the deserted parking lot (where a Jew was held up in the past) sitting on the van’s benches. Ari Eagle described exactly on which area the Lubavitcher Kapparos are done, and then broke out in a happy dance. When the cleaning was over, everybody returned to the van for the journey back home.

Cleaning the van? or maybe chillin' by the van?

Thanks to Ari Eagle, who is so perfect in giving directions Sholom Ber got a yellow-light ticket for running a yellow traffic light which had a camera. Ari warned Sholom Ber after the flash that in Baltimore you don’t run yellow lights... One of these days Yeshiva will be charged a hefty fine for jumping a yellow...

After the drive everybody made it to their sleeping quarters (aside from Shmuel Kalatchy who ditched his hosts and went to Ari’s house, and Pinchus Morozow who’s hosts ditched him and went to sleep with Kaufmann).

Sunday Morning - The Mikve Fiasco: Everyone was notified on Motzoei Shabbos that early Sunday morning they must be ready for early Mikve & Shacharis so we could get a good breakfast in Baltimore and make it to Washington on time for the Holocaust Museum & Hockey Game.

Everyone woke up late, and therefore everything started late. Simcha & Yankee decided to make everybody wait intentionally by taking showers while everybody waited at their respective locations, against all human decency. When confronted by Schneur they just ignored him. When we arrived at the Mikve, Simcha & Yankee decided that they aren’t interested in going in, come what may. Schneur decided that whoever doesn’t go to Mikve can’t go on the trip, and so the standoff took place with all Bochurim angry because Simcha & Yankee are ruining it for them because of their idiotic stand. At the end they went in and wetted their hair claiming they went to Mikve, but Sholom Ber soon discovered the lie and sent them back to where they belong. After a phone conversation with Rabbi Smith Yankee and Simcha complied much to the satisfaction of the rest of the Bochurim. After this sad incident, which wasted close to a half-hour (except for the half-hour they wasted earlier that morning), we all headed to Shacharis.

After a late Shacharis there wasn’t enough time for a normal breakfast, so everybody drove together to “Seven Mile” Kosher Supermarket where Sholom Ber bought lunch and supper, and then to “Goldberg’s Bagels” where bagels with cream cheese and eggs were picked up for everybody. At that precise moment Rafi got into yet another fight (see separate article), which led Schneur to give up on Rafi ever behaving like a human being...

We then headed to Washington.